Sisters In Solidarity

Domestic Violence is as complex as it is controversial, and has no social, economic or cultural barriers. Statistically, one out of every four women will at some time be a victim of violence.

Domestic violence homicides followed by suicides are not uncommon. Examples are the homicide / suicide of Arlene May and Randy Iles and Gillian and Ralph Hadley which took place in Ontario. Inquests were held by the Ontario government in each case. From the May / Iles inquest the jury provided 214 recommendations to increase the safety of victims. The Hadley inquest provided and additional 64 recommendations for the government to implement. One such recommendation was that all front line workers that work with battered and abused women have more in depth training to have a broader comprehension of the non-tangible impact violence has on women and their children.

Regardless of all the enhancements to the system that is meant to protect women and children violence appears to be increasing or remaining status quo. Domestic courts are one venue in which victims have been successful in seeking court protection and are represented by trained police and crown attorneys who have a broader comprehension of the dynamic’s and complexities of spousal abuse.

However, there is still a lot of work to be done within the government and especially in the family court structure. Where it has been identified that men who abuse their spouses in front of their children are responsible for the impact it has on them, they are not held accountable in the family courts. Therefore, the onus of responsibility remains on the victim to protect herself and her children from the abuse and the abuser.

Regardless of all the efforts put forth by women seeking to protect themselves and their children from the abuse, they often find themselves before family court judges fighting a custody dispute. Vengeful spouses often launch or counter-sue their spouses for custody or joint custody in an effort to maintain control over the victim. Others are vengeful and do not pay child support in an effort to cause financial hardship to the woman without taking into consideration that their children are suffering.

Therefore, it is understandable that victims of intimate and family violence often choose to remain silent in an effort to avoid the emotional and financially draining experience of having ongoing motions and custody disputes based on the threats of their spouses that if they leave they will lose custody of their children.

A victim of violence may be your sister etc. They could be your mother, your sister, your co-worker, or your neighbour. They are not alone, but they feel isolated and helpless. Immigrant women with language barriers are even more vulnerable.

If a victim discloses that she is being abused, she needs to have the support of the person she trusts with that information. At no time should she be judged for the choices she is preparing to make whether we agree with her or not. She is the ‘expert’ in knowing what is safest for her at the present time. Listening to her is paramount to her coming to a decision that is or will be in her best interests. Statements like ‘If I were you” are redundant as we are not her and we do not have the insight she has into the capabilities of her abuser. Nor do we know the fear she is experiencing and how that plays into her decision making process. Being critical or feeding into her lack of self confidence and self-esteem will only push her back into the relationship.

Physical violence is tangible, wherein years of mental battering leave deep emotional scars and victims are void of self esteem.

Battered women have been equated to suffering from the Stockholm Syndrome. Where a hostage is dependent on their hostage taker to remain safe and alive, so is the victim of conjugal violence. Perception of the violent capabilities of the captor is real to the victims.

Hostage takers isolate their hostages and install fear of death as does the domestic abuser. Spousal violence is not about love, it is about power and control. Where captives will protect their captors, so will a battered woman protect her abuser, and accept the blame.

Serial batters are a reality. It is estimated that only one-quarter of victims report assaults to the police, and that a woman will be beaten 35 times before calling for police intervention. Date violence is being reported more often, and violence escalated when a women leaves the relationship. Women are stalked, intimidated, harassed and threatened after laying charges.

It is recognized that not all men are abusers and many abhor the violence and speak out against it. Increased reports of domestic violence is a reality check of the seriousness of this crime.

Children are in the innocent victims in these abusive relationships, and tragically children live what they learn. Males go on to be second or third generation batterer’s while females take on the role of the passive, submissive victim. According to Stats Canada, 40% of children witnessed violence against their mother, and 21% of women abused by a partner were abused during pregnancy.

Victims are overwhelmed by the judicial system, and uncertain of how to leave the relationship. Family, and community support is vital in assisting victims.

Women will remain in the home to avoid going to a shelter, and if financially dependant on their abuser they are even more prone to feel their future is hopeless and bleak. Victims deny the violence to their family, friends, co-workers, physicians and more tragically, sometimes to themselves.

Abusive relationships are not always violent. Perpetrators may be a loving and caring individual with outbursts of violence. Alcohol, drugs or stress may be a contributing factor. The second-honeymoon approach combined with remorse and shallow promises keep women in the relationships.

The myth that women stay in the relationship because they like the abuse should be dispelled. They stay because they see no way out.

Recently new self-help groups have been formed to assist female victims. Information can be provided by calling SiS c/o 416 777-0793,
or the Assaulted Women’s Helpline at 416 516-9738.

The following installments in the series include:
Part II: How to identify abuse.
Part III: Community response
Part IV: Breaking the cycle of violence

 Barbara Mills is a freelance writer, lecturer,
workshop facilitator and speaks specifically to women’s issues.